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I handed everyone at the table a rubber band and told them to put it around their wrists like a bracelet.
We slipped it on as we finished dinner and I read these instructions from our dinner time devotional: Every time you grumble or complain, snap your rubber band.
The day before we memorized John 6:43, “Stop grumbling among yourselves.”
Guess who got the first “pop?”
My kids laughed as the first complaint rolled off my tongue just minutes after reading our assignment. I wasn’t even trying to show them an example of what not to do. I didn’t even know I was going to grumble about cleaning up our dinner mess. Because sometimes complaining is just our second nature.
I rubbed my wrist and watched my words.
We all did. Our 24 hour experiment proved to leave our wrists a little tender and our tongues a little more controlled.
We were listening for the bemoaning and bellyaching. We pointed out when we heard each other complain.
The most important thing this experiment did? It made us think before we spoke. It made us more aware.
Grumbling comes too easy. And when we try not to do it, we see how often we whine or complain–about each other, about our situations, about what we have and what we don’t.
When we really get a good look at what’s underneath all those negative words, we find ingratitude.
Because let’s face it: we probably all can find something to gripe about. But when we think before we speak, we can always find something to be thankful for.
Try this simple lesson today (and if rubber bands won’t work for you, keep tally marks on the kitchen calendar or cheerios around a yarn bracelet and break one off with every complaint).
Here’s what a lesson in complaining less does for all of us:
1. It forces us to admit how often we grumble or whine or speak negatively about ourselves or others
2. It causes us to think before we speak
3. It gives us the opportunity to choose gratitude over grumbling.
And while this lesson won’t necessarily rid our homes of complaining (ask me how I know), it will certainly give us something to (think) and talk about.
The Fourth “F” of Trauma
By Ron Huxley, LMFT
When I work with traumatized people, I always keep in mind that they have one of three reactions: Fight, Flight and Freeze. These are primal brain mechanisms that manage threats to the self. Each type of reaction has its intervention but at the core of these interventions is the fourth “F”: Fusion.
Trauma disrupts relationships and self/other organization. At extreme levels it can cause dissociative disorders (what we used to call Multiple Personality Disorders) splitting off internal parts of the self in an effort to survive and function. At milder levels it can cause us to build defenses or social masks that allow us to get through our days despite feelings of pain or loss. Either we are not acting out of our true self. We also have difficulties with others manifesting by poor intimacy, commitment fears, unmanageable anger, feelings of anxiety and depression.
What we want to achieve is fusion. A fusion of self and personality and a fusion of relationships (self with other). This is easy said than done but it is possible. It is not hopeless as we once thought. The real challenge is trying to help others who are in a state of fight, flight or freeze without ourselves going into a similar state. Staying “fused” in our emotions, in the face trauma, is hard!
Core Values are what drive our best practices in life. These values are at the heart of healing for Ron Huxley and are evident in his work with families:
Healing occurs in “family”. The family is the primary healing agent for change. Children cannot be “fixed” but must be treated as powerful, creative people that must learn to live with other powerful, creative people called “family.” Family can look like many positive things.
Healing is Wholeness. Healing isn’t just about coping with problems, it is about being whole in mind, body, and spirit. It involves and impacts all three areas.
Healing looks like something. It should be noticeable, practical, and agreeable. It involves a change of heart as well as behavior. It is a measurable process.
Healing focuses on our strength’s. Healing builds on what is already working… It focuses on doing more of what works and less of what doesn’t.
Healing is multi-sensory and experiential. It uses all the senses and can involve storytelling, drama, movement, and art.
Healing occurs when a “false belief” is replaced with a “true belief”. A false belief is the real root of the problem, not the behavior. Behaviors are the fruit of your beliefs. Once the false belief is discovered, a true belief must take its place.
Healing is inherent in identity. You can choose what you belief about yourself and not what your situation suggests or others say about you. Once you know your identity you will know your needs and your boundaries.
Healing always involves truth. It comes form understanding “all there is to know” about the story of you. Even young children can handle truth when shared in a developmentally appropriate and caring way. Truth brings freedom from pain.