Do you need to court-ordered anger management?
Contact Ron Huxley today: Click NOW!

Ron Huxley's Parenting Toolbox

Are you the type of parent you thought you would be? Has your family turned out like you dreamed? If not, let Ron Huxley and the resources of the Parenting Toolbox help you heal and restore that dream family today.

Media and Consultations: rehuxley@gmail.com

Check out some other blogs by Ron:

ParentingToolbox.com

Inner Healing

Laughter Therapy
DIY Parent

Recent Tweets @ronhuxley
What if a parent refused to ever punish his child but promised to never stop instructing him or her on how to do life?

the-feature:

My six-year-old son was removed from school as a danger to others. His crime? A disability you could find in any classroom.

(via curator-of-curiosities)

New evidence shows that certain types of praise can actually backfire, making kids less successful and giving them low self-esteem.

One recent report explains the results of two experiments that compare the results of “person praise” (praise for personal qualities) and “process praise” (praise for behavior). Overall, person praise (“You are so smart!”) predisposed children to feel ashamed following failure, since they attributed the failure to their own self – some intrinsic quality. Process praise (“You worked really hard!”), on the other hand, did not have this effect, as children attributed failure to a factor that they can control – some extrinsic quality.

A similar study reveals the results of three experiments that tested the effects of inflated praise. Overall, inflated praise sent the message that kids need to continue to meet unreasonably high standards. Inflated praise decreased challenge-seeking behavior in children with low self-esteem, causing them to miss out on learning experiences. However, in children with high self-esteem, inflated praise had the opposite effect. It inspired these kids to continue to set high expectations for themselves.
Generic person-centered praise implies that a child has a specific quality, such as intelligence, aptitude, or other talent, that is responsible for his or her achievements. Non-generic process-centered praise implies that a child’s achievements are performance-based. Person praise has been found to increase the attention that kids pay to errors – their own and others. Such attention is caused by the belief that an error threatens the possession of a positive trait. Further, after an error or failure, children who received person praise displayed less task persistence, less task enjoyment, and worse task performance.

In general, inflated and/or person-centered praise undermines motivation in children with low self-esteem. However, when sincere process-centered praise is heaped upon children, it encourages performance that is attributed to controllable causes, promotes autonomy, and establishes attainable standards and expectations.

We all think our children are great, and so we should. But, as parents we must also be mindful of setting our kids up for failure with inappropriate praise. Praising hard work seems to be a much better motivator than praising intrinsic qualities that the child has no control over.
Achievement is the result of performance and behavior, not always inherent traits, and children should be motivated to love learning, engage in new experiences, and even risk failure to achieve goals. Praise should help children flourish, instead of becoming an obstacle to success.


via Punishing with Praise | Brain Blogger)

Have Your Kids Sign an Internet Contract

Have Your Kids Sign an Internet Contract

56 Lifehacker / by Walter Glenn 

/ 4 hours ago

Letting your kids be on the internet can be scary. You can keep an eye on what they’re up to and there are ways to help keep them safe, but you might also want to take a page from schools that provide internet access and have them sign an appropriate-use contract.

Signing a contract with your kids provides a few benefits. First, it spells out exactly how you expect them to behave because it forces you to explain your position clearly. Second, the act of signing a contract helps drive home the point. And finally, if they do break your rules, there’s no argument involved. You can point to the line item on the contract that they broke and issue the appropriate punishment (which should also be spelled out in the Have Your Kids Sign an Internet Contract

56 Lifehacker / by Walter Glenn 

/ 4 hours ago

Letting your kids be on the internet can be scary. You can keep an eye on what they’re up to and there are ways to help keep them safe, but you might also want to take a page from schools that provide internet access and have them sign an appropriate-use contract.

Signing a contract with your kids provides a few benefits. First, it spells out exactly how you expect them to behave because it forces you to explain your position clearly. Second, the act of signing a contract helps drive home the point. And finally, if they do break your rules, there’s no argument involved. You can point to the line item on the contract that they broke and issue the appropriate punishment (which should also be spelled out in the contract).

Obviously, what you allow and don’t allow is entirely up to you as the parent and you might want to give some thought to what’s appropriate based on your kids’ ages. Maybe they’re allowed their own private computer, maybe not. Maybe you give them privacy (at least until they give you reason not to) or maybe not. That’s your call.

The folks at The Modern Parent put together this sample contract, which you could just print and use. But we encourage you do to a little research and customize it to your needs. We’d also encouraging spelling out the punishment a little more clearly, though banning them from using the technology they misused seems pretty appropriate and will certainly drive the message home.


An Internet Contract for families: teaching our kids to play safe | The Modern Parent

Obviously, what you allow and don’t allow is entirely up to you as the parent and you might want to give some thought to what’s appropriate based on your kids’ ages. Maybe they’re allowed their own private computer, maybe not. Maybe you give them privacy (at least until they give you reason not to) or maybe not. That’s your call.

The folks at The Modern Parent put together this sample contract, which you could just print and use. But we encourage you do to a little research and customize it to your needs. We’d also encouraging spelling out the punishment a little more clearly, though banning them from using the technology they misused seems pretty appropriate and will certainly drive the message home.

An Internet Contract for families: teaching our kids to play safe | The Modern Parent

Validation is also a powerful parenting tool.


In fact, it’s one of the most important things you can do for your child, according to authors Karyn D. Hall, Ph.D, and Melissa H. Cook, LPC, in their book The Power of Validation.

Validation helps kids to feel and express their emotions, develop a secure sense of self, gain confidence, feel more connected to their parents and have better relationships in adulthood.

The authors define validation as “the recognition and acceptance that your child has feelings and thoughts that are true and real to him regardless of logic or whether it makes sense to anyone else.”

Validating a child means letting them share their thoughts and feelings without judging, criticizing, ridiculing or abandoning them. You let your child feel heard and understood. You convey that you love and accept them no matter what they’re feeling or thinking.

According to Hall and Cook, validation is not the same as comforting, praising or encouraging your child. For instance, telling your child that they played great in their soccer game isn’t validating. What is validating is saying the truth, such as “It’s hard when you don’t play as well as you would like.”

“Validation is acknowledging the truth of your child’s internal experience, that it’s normal and okay to not always play your best, be the best player, or do all things perfectly or even well,” they write.

Validation is not the same as trying to help your child fix their emotions or problems. It doesn’t mean that you agree with them, either. “It just means that you understand what your child feels is real to her.”

It also doesn’t mean letting your child do whatever they want – a common misconception the authors often hear.

For instance, you validate your child’s feeling of not wanting to go to school but you communicate that the action of missing school isn’t an option.

“Don’t validate what is not valid. The feeling of not wanting to go to school is valid, but the behavior of staying home from school is not.”

The authors explain that feelings and actions are separate, which means that while feelings are not wrong, actions can be wrong.

In another example, your child is angry with his friend. Feeling anger is not wrong — it’s certainly normal — and you can validate his frustrated feelings. However, if he hits his friend, his actions are inappropriate, and they’ll have consequences.

Rules and boundaries are key. And, of course, it’s important to teach your kids how to appropriately express their anger and other emotions.

Parents also can validate their child’s behavior. Hall and Cook give the example of a 9-year-old daughter who didn’t eat much dinner because she wanted to play with her friends. After everything has been put away and cleaned up, she says she’s hungry.

Instead of saying that she can’t be hungry because she just ate, or preparing the food for her, while saying this had better not happen again, you “validate her hunger but tell her that if she is still hungry, she can prepare her own snack and clean up afterward.”

Validating your child may not be easy or feel natural, especially when they’re misbehaving and you’re stressed out. But remember that it’s a skill you can practice. And it’s an effective way to help your child name his or her feelings and know that having these feelings is perfectly OK.

(via The Powerful Parenting Tool of Validation | World of Psychology)

Parents who regularly punish or dismiss their children’s anxieties could be setting their kids up for obesity, warns a new study.

That’s because kids who fail to learn how to regulate their negative emotions — a skill that can be fostered by affirmative parenting — are more likely to turn to food for comfort, which can eventually lead to obesity.
That’s the overarching conclusion of a University of Illinois study, which found a connection between poor parenting skills, defined in the study as “insecure parents,” and a child’s propensity for consuming junk food.

"The study found that insecure parents were significantly more likely to respond to their children’s distress by becoming distressed themselves or dismissing their child’s emotion,” said lead author Kelly Bost.

“For example, if a child went to a birthday party and was upset because of a friend’s comment there, a dismissive parent might tell the child not to be sad, to forget about it. Or the parent might even say: Stop crying and acting like a baby or you’re never going over again.”

Instead, parents should learn to help their children describe what they’re feeling and work on problem-solving strategies with them.
Insecure parenting was also related to “comfort feeding,” as well as fewer mealtimes and more screentime, all known factors that have been linked to unhealthy eating habits and childhood obesity.

For the study, 497 parents of toddlers ages two and three were asked to answer 32 questions that gauged the nature of their relationship to the children. Parents were also asked to rate themselves on a scale that measured depression and anxiety.

They then responded to questions about how they handled their children’s negative emotions, family mealtimes, and the estimated hours of TV viewing a day.

Meanwhile, a study out of The Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto released last year also found that preschool children are less likely to be obese if they live in a safe neighborhood, and within walking distance of parks and retail services.

Read more: http://www.ctvnews.ca/health/how-parenting-styles-can-lead-to-childhood-obesity-1.1671384#ixzz2sYgP40gj

(via How parenting styles can lead to childhood obesity | CTV News)

Unfortunately, most parents ask me what to do about their children when the solution is really about what they believe about themselves and their family.
NEW Coaching Opportunity with Ron Huxley, LMFT
If you are having parenting troubles and need some quick parenting advice, let Ron Huxley help you with a convenient 10 minute coaching session for only $10. He will use his 22 years of experience to help you find powerful solutions and peace of mind.  Space is limited so contact Ron immediately by email at rehuxley@gmail.com. 
* Coaching is not therapy or medical advice.
* Coaching can take place via phone or secure video. 
* Payment is via paypal or stripe. 
Learn more about Ron here!

NEW Coaching Opportunity with Ron Huxley, LMFT

If you are having parenting troubles and need some quick parenting advice, let Ron Huxley help you with a convenient 10 minute coaching session for only $10. He will use his 22 years of experience to help you find powerful solutions and peace of mind.  Space is limited so contact Ron immediately by email at rehuxley@gmail.com. 

* Coaching is not therapy or medical advice.

* Coaching can take place via phone or secure video. 

* Payment is via paypal or stripe. 

Learn more about Ron here!

The most important skills that children everywhere must learn in order to live happy, productive, moral lives are skills that cannot be taught in school. Such skills cannot be taught at all. They are learned and practised by children in play. These include the abilities to think creatively, to get along with other people and cooperate effectively, and to control their own impulses and emotions.

My bet is that Gove would agree that now, even more than in the past, creativity is a key to economic success. We no longer need people to follow directions in robot-like ways (we have robots for that), or to perform routine calculations (we have computers for that), or to answer already-answered questions (we have search engines for that). But we do need people who can ask and seek answers to new questions, solve new problems and anticipate obstacles before they arise. These all require the ability to think creatively. The creative mind is a playful mind.

All young children are creative. In their play and self-directed exploration they create their own mental models of the world around them and also models of imaginary worlds. Adults whom we call geniuses are those who somehow retain and build upon that childlike capacity throughout their lives. Albert Einstein said his schooling almost destroyed his interest in mathematics and physics, but he recovered it when he left school. He referred to his innovative work as “combinatorial play”. He claimed that he developed his concept of relativity by imagining himself chasing a sunbeam and catching up with it, and then thinking about the consequences. We can’t teach creativity, but we can drive it out of people through schooling that centres not on children’s own questions but on questions dictated by an imposed curriculum that operates as if all questions have one right answer and everyone must learn the same things.


(via Give childhood back to children: if we want our offspring to have happy, productive and moral lives, we must allow more time for play, not less - Comment - Voices - The Independent)

Dealing with Childhood Fears: Quick Tips from Ron Huxley, LMFT
This weeks tip for parents deals with childhood fears. Fears of dogs, doctors, and the dark are normal experiences in a childs early development. Here are some tips for helping children cope with their fears:Buy your child stuffed animals or spend time with small animals such as rabbits. Role-play going to the doctor before your visit. try to visit when your child doesn’t have to get a shot or feels sick.Put a nightlight in your child’s room and listen to soft music to help soothe nighttime fears.Discourage scary stories or television shows to avoid fears of monsters.Never force your child to go someplace frightening or trivialize their fears as silly or stupid.Draw pictures and talk about the things that frighten your child. 

Dealing with Childhood Fears: Quick Tips from Ron Huxley, LMFT

This weeks tip for parents deals with childhood fears. Fears of dogs, doctors, and the dark are normal experiences in a childs early development. Here are some tips for helping children cope with their fears:

Buy your child stuffed animals or spend time with small animals such as rabbits. 

Role-play going to the doctor before your visit. try to visit when your child doesn’t have to get a shot or feels sick.

Put a nightlight in your child’s room and listen to soft music to help soothe nighttime fears.

Discourage scary stories or television shows to avoid fears of monsters.

Never force your child to go someplace frightening or trivialize their fears as silly or stupid.

Draw pictures and talk about the things that frighten your child.