Parenting & Family Tools by Ron Huxley, LMFT

Jul 26

Parenting Games: 3 Ways to Build More Cooperation

Sometimes parenting just seems like a game…that you can never win.

The other team has more energy, more time, and more players. To help parents improve the odds, we’ve come up with some new “game plans” that might even the score. 

Follow the Leader is a parenting tool that can be used in two ways:

 As a game; and as a “redirection” tool. When using this tool as a game, parents can invite their children to play “follow the leader.” This game is fun on family trips or vacations. Families with more than one child can have each child take turns leading the family hike or singing a song. The leader has the power to choose which forest path to take or which song to sing. Each child (and parent) gets the opportunity to be the leader, thereby encouraging equality and fairness. When used as a “redirection” tool controlling children can be direct their need to take charge of a particular task, such as getting the family together for dinner or organizing a wood gathering party for the campfire. This is a great game to replace power-struggling.

Freeze Play is a parenting tool variation of the old stand-by: Time-Out

Time-out is usually conducted by isolating or excluding a child from the rest of the family or classroom. In this traditional form children are sent to their room, a chair in the kitchen, outside the classroom door, or left facing a wall. Time-Out has a number of disadvantages, the primary one being that it involves the use of punishment that may seem harsh to some parents and children. Some children may become out-of-control or physically destructive when put in isolation or exclusion time-out. Fortunately, parents can use a different form of time-out, that behaviorists call “nonexclusionary time-out.”

Nonexclusionary time-out, like isolation and exclusionary time-out, eliminates reinforces (interaction with others). It accomplishes this by freezing the moment of interaction with the child for a very brief, but poignant amount of time. For example, if a child starts whining when told they must wait for dinner to eat, the parent can firmly but evenly, say, “freeze!” The parent then avoids eye contact (i.e., attention during the discipline) for a few seconds and the child is prohibited from communicating during this time. Afterwards the parent can nonchalantly carry on the task at hand or use Time-In or educational parenting tool. Be careful not to place too much emphasis on talking about the misbehavior afterwards as it might inadvertently reinforce the child to misbehave again for the attention it gains.

It might be necessary for the parent to tell the child what is going to happen during “freeze play” and the expectation that there will be no communication/eye contact during that time, so that the child knows why the parent is “acting this way.” In addition, the old rule of thumb for time-out, one minute for every year of life, can be used in Freeze Play by substituting seconds for minutes (e.g., one frozen second for every year of life.) 

Huddling is a parenting tool shorten version of a family meeting without all the fuss or preparation time.

Huddling is a quick, informal, type of family meeting that any number of family members can have together and can occur at any time or place. Football players do this before every play to make sure the team knows what the plan is and to make clear everyone’s job. Family members can stop whatever they are doing to have a quick, little meeting about a specific problem or task. Parents can play the captain by telling the family to “huddle together.” Put arms around one another for support or just gather together in a circle, face in. Talk about the problem or task and assign jobs or ask for quick input. Decide on a plan of action and say “let’ go!” Parents can use this tool at the zoo to decide what they are going to go see first, at the restaurant to decide what everyone wants to eat, and at home to decide what toys need to be gathered up before going to the park. While these “game plans” don’t guarantee a winning season, they can coach parents on new ways to improve their performance and their satisfaction in parenting.

OK, let’s play!

 

Share your thoughts on these three power parenting tools by leaving a comment here or on our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/parentingtoolbox

 

You can get more quick tips to change your family dynamics and have the family you dreamed about by contacting Ron now! Click here for more information.

Jul 23

The 101 on Fidgets:
I think of a fidget as any small item or toy that helps keep one’s hands busy and helps them focus while completing an activity. Almost anything can be a sensory fidget. Even basic household items or small party favor toys can make great fidgets. You can make your own fidgets, or buy them from catalogs, online or even in local stores such as Target, a party store, a craft store, or the dollar store.
A Toy or a Tool?
I have found fidgets to be a very helpful tool for me for many years. When I was much younger, I was taught that fidgets were to be used as a tool, and not like a toy. A tool is something that can help one focus, while a toy can distract both the individual playing with the fidget and others around them. This can be a hard thing for an individual to understand as some of the best fidgets that I have found are indeed toys, but they make great tools.
Let Ron Huxley help your child succeed at home and school. Click the Get Parenting Answers in the nav bar.

The 101 on Fidgets:

I think of a fidget as any small item or toy that helps keep one’s hands busy and helps them focus while completing an activity. Almost anything can be a sensory fidget. Even basic household items or small party favor toys can make great fidgets. You can make your own fidgets, or buy them from catalogs, online or even in local stores such as Target, a party store, a craft store, or the dollar store.

A Toy or a Tool?
I have found fidgets to be a very helpful tool for me for many years. When I was much younger, I was taught that fidgets were to be used as a tool, and not like a toy. A tool is something that can help one focus, while a toy can distract both the individual playing with the fidget and others around them. This can be a hard thing for an individual to understand as some of the best fidgets that I have found are indeed toys, but they make great tools.

Let Ron Huxley help your child succeed at home and school. Click the Get Parenting Answers in the nav bar.

Jul 20

Dream Parenting: The Natural Ally
At times parenting can be met with rejection by family members. Some of this can be developmental as a child has drives for independence. Some of it can be a self-protection from intimacy. If I don’t get close to you, then I don’t get hurt. Attempts to parent differently and achieve the family of your dreams requires significant risk in these situations.
You biggest ally is already inherent in you and your family members. It is a biologically-based need for attachment. We are social beings and as such, want to connect with one another even it doesn’t appear on the surface to be true. 
If there has been problems in your closest relationships it may mean that patterns of rejection and defenses of self-sufficiency have been created. These are tough walls to knock down. Start off by believing that you have a primal need to connect as you ally in this new strategy. Find ways to make eye contact and smile without using any words. Look for chances to connect with no words of judgement, correction, or instruction. Just make a connection no matter how small or brief. Make it a personal challenge to increase these moments everyday until you start to see the walls starting to crumble. 
Remember that your family wants this naturally. It was how they are designed. If they don’t get it from you, they will seek it elsewhere but they will find it, good or bad. Make it good starting right now. 

Dream Parenting: The Natural Ally

At times parenting can be met with rejection by family members. Some of this can be developmental as a child has drives for independence. Some of it can be a self-protection from intimacy. If I don’t get close to you, then I don’t get hurt. Attempts to parent differently and achieve the family of your dreams requires significant risk in these situations.

You biggest ally is already inherent in you and your family members. It is a biologically-based need for attachment. We are social beings and as such, want to connect with one another even it doesn’t appear on the surface to be true. 

If there has been problems in your closest relationships it may mean that patterns of rejection and defenses of self-sufficiency have been created. These are tough walls to knock down. Start off by believing that you have a primal need to connect as you ally in this new strategy. Find ways to make eye contact and smile without using any words. Look for chances to connect with no words of judgement, correction, or instruction. Just make a connection no matter how small or brief. Make it a personal challenge to increase these moments everyday until you start to see the walls starting to crumble. 

Remember that your family wants this naturally. It was how they are designed. If they don’t get it from you, they will seek it elsewhere but they will find it, good or bad. Make it good starting right now. 

Jul 18

“Twitter is now the fastest-growing social network for teens.” —

Bernhard Warner, More Evidence Shows Teens Prefer Twitter, Reddit to Facebook

Pew and Piper Jaffray research form May show Facebook fatigue is growing for teenagers.

(via stoweboyd)

What do you do to protect your child’s online activities?

(via stoweboyd)

Jul 16

Incarceration Tips - How do you help a child whose parents are incarcerated. Here's some parenting tools for Sesame Street: -

Tips for Coping with Incarceration

#1

In the morning, let your child know some of the things that will happen throughout the day. For example, “Grandma will pick you up from school. Then you’ll go to the park, and later we’ll all have dinner together.”

#2

Give your child a paper heart to keep in her pocket. You might say, “This is to remind you that I love you and will always be there for you.”

#3

Take time each day to check in with your child and ask, “How are you feeling?” Remember to let your child know that it’s okay to have big feelings no matter what they are.

#4

When explaining where an incarcerated parent is, you can say, “Daddy is in a place called prison (or jail) for a while. Grown-ups sometimes go to prison when they break a rule called a law.”

#5

Phone calls are a great way to reach out. Help your child to think of something she’d like to tell her incarcerated parent, and give her a photo of her parent to hold during the call.

#6

Before you visit your incarcerated loved one, let your child know some of the things she can expect to happen. For instance, “We won’t be able to sit in the same room with Mommy, but we can see her through a window and read a story together.”

#7

Caring for yourself helps you care for your child. At least once a day, do something that you enjoy or find relaxing.

Jul 15

[video]

regular bedtimes are important for both boys and girls and the earlier these can be implemented, the better for cognitive performance. The suggestion is that irregular sleeping patterns adversely affect development and these may cause permanent damage:

"Sleep is crucial for the maintenance of homeostasis and brain plasticity, including processes to do with embedding new knowledge, memory and skills into developing neural assemblies"

Read more…

” — Irregular Bedtimes Reduce Children’s Cognitive Performance — PsyBlog

Jul 12

Dream Parenting: Winning the Battle
You don’t have to win every battle with your child. You don’t have to be a perfect parent. Some days are going to be sweet one’s, with lots of cuddling, peaceful interactions and other days are going to be more chaotic and bumpy. It is important that parents learn how to ride these ups and downs and now that they are still headed in the right direction. if today was a bad day, than you get to have another day. Make tomorrow different. If tomorrow is bad too, look forward to the day after than and so on…
You were there to write the first chapter of your child’s life and you get to help write the next one until the day they start writing their own chapters. You are never totally powerless and no mistake cannot be forgiven and un-reconciled. It make take a while but time really is on your side and it can heal the most grievous hurts. Use this to your parenting advantage. 
Action Parenting Tool: Don’t focus on today’s problem. Visualize how you want tomorrow to look and start working toward it. Be OK with small adjustments until you achieve the family you dreamed about. 

Dream Parenting: Winning the Battle

You don’t have to win every battle with your child. You don’t have to be a perfect parent. Some days are going to be sweet one’s, with lots of cuddling, peaceful interactions and other days are going to be more chaotic and bumpy. It is important that parents learn how to ride these ups and downs and now that they are still headed in the right direction. if today was a bad day, than you get to have another day. Make tomorrow different. If tomorrow is bad too, look forward to the day after than and so on…

You were there to write the first chapter of your child’s life and you get to help write the next one until the day they start writing their own chapters. You are never totally powerless and no mistake cannot be forgiven and un-reconciled. It make take a while but time really is on your side and it can heal the most grievous hurts. Use this to your parenting advantage. 

Action Parenting Tool: Don’t focus on today’s problem. Visualize how you want tomorrow to look and start working toward it. Be OK with small adjustments until you achieve the family you dreamed about. 

Jul 11

Vacation Tips for Nontraditional Families (and traditional one’s too!)

Vacation Tips for Nontraditional Families (and traditional one’s too!)

by Ron Huxley, LMFT

After six years of marriage in my new “blended” family, I have vowed to never go on vacation again. At least not with the children. Vacations are supposed to be a time of fun and relaxation. Yeah right! Try taking a vacation when you are a nontraditional family. It is more likely to be a time of stress and frustration. And you have to pay good money for it too! Here are some battle-tested tips for the brave or stubborn among you who still want to go on vacation in a nontraditional family.

Tip #1: Pack your grief, it will follow you anyway.

Nontraditional families of yesterday are the traditional families of today. They include, but are not limited to, single, divorced, step/blended, adoption, and foster parent families. They have some unique characteristics not normally found in traditional, two-parent homes. One of the biggest is grief. Although grief is a common experience in all families, it is particularly familiar to nontraditional families. Grieving comes from the shattering of a dream, namely being a traditional family. It involves the loss of a relationship or death of a family member.

It would be better to pack the grief along with all the toiletries and clothing. This means be aware of and accept that you are going to grieve, even on vacation. Changing an environment will temporarily keep it out of your mind but in the long run it will be right there with you. It is not necessary to dwell on it but don’t pretend you can leave it behind. For more information on nontraditional families and grief, see http://parentingtoolbox.com/grief.html.

Tip #2: Keep your expectations low and your priorities high.

Why are you going on this vacation? I know it’s not because you love pain. Are you doing it for you, the children, or what? Answering this question will allow you to keep your expectations low and your priorities high. The higher your expectations the greater your chances of disappointment and anger. My wife and I have found that when we go on vacation with the children, it is about the children. We don’t try to have a romantic encounter with each other unless it happens unexpectantly. If we wanted that, we should have gone on vacation by ourselves. And sometimes we do.

Going on vacation is always unpredictable. That’s part of why we love to do it. It is different from the daily routine of work and taking care of the house. But it also away from the familiar. So be willing to take some risks and go with the flow. Be focused on your bottom line. If you want to see new things or have fun, there are many ways to have that. And most likely, it won’t be what you imagine. When you take the wrong highway or the kids get sick, remind yourself that you are doing something new and different. If not a little bit anxious.

Tip #3: Take a time cushion, to rest.

If you think it will take seven days for a vacation, plan for eight or nine. If you think it will take four hours to drive to your vacation spot, prepare for five or six. Taking a time cushion will allow you to rest and not be upset because you are late or lost. If you are a single parent, you have the job of two parents to do when on vacation. Be kind to yourself and over prepare. That extra sweater just may come in handy if someone gets theirs wet and need a new one. Those extra snacks may keep the wild things calm when you are trying to find the right turn off on the highway in the middle of the night after being hours on the road. Time cushions allow you to handle the stressors that occur when taking a nontraditional family vacation. For more information on time cushions, see http://parentingtoolbox.com/timecush.html.

Tip #4: The family may be a democracy, but you have veto power.

Nontraditional families vacations fail for two simple reasons. The adults make all the decisions or none of the decisions. Parenting research has proven that the most effective families are democratic in organization. It allows children to take responsibility for their actions and cooperate with parents. Put it can go too far. Have family meetings before you leave, and yes, let them make suggestions about where you go and what you do when you are on vacation. Have frequent huddles, where family members spontaneously put their heads together to come up with a game. Regularly take the pulse of the family by polling family members about where to eat dinner, what movie to rent, or the schedule for fun that day. But always remember that a democracy still has a leader. And this leader has the ability to veto a decision made by the younger family members. Make sure you have a good reason for vetoing a decision but don’t bother trying to fight for your position. One of more of the children may not like your decision but leaders accept that and move forward. The disgruntled child will usually come around soon enough. For more information on the steps of a family meetings, see http://parentingtoolbox.com/steps.html.

Tip #5: To settle things down, mix it up.

In order to settle down personality conflicts and power struggles, mix up the quality time with family members. In step families, blending or bonding issues is job one. Being on vacation with yours, mine, and possibly ours, makes it even tougher. You can use this time away from home to spend time with various members of the family in various combinations. For example, biological parent can go fishing with biological children and go for hike with nonbiological children or both. You can mix things up by gender or age as well. Perhaps the boys (dad or step dad included) decide they want to go shopping and the girls (mom or step mom included) decide to go ride horses. This breaks down relational and gender stereotypes. Or maybe the older children, biological or not, go on the scary roller coaster rides with one parent, biological or not, while the younger children watch the animal show with the other parent, biological or not. Don’t forget to do things as a family together. That is part of the bonding process too. But it is not the only way to bond. Mix things up to settle the family down. See communication tips for families at http://parentingtoolbox.com/comm.html.

Tip #6: Show me the money!

The one guarantee to have a bad vacation is to spend money you don’t have or try to take an expensive vacation and create long-term problems. Most nontraditional families have suffered financially as well as emotionally. Money can be one more reminder of our losses. Be realistic about what you can afford. Talk to the children openly about the vacation budget. There are many ways to have a vacation without spending lots of money and still have a great time. In fact, it might be better as the focus is off of doing things and more on being together. Stay over night with relatives that might live in different spots of the country or world. Even those “distant relatives” may be open to visitors. Always be respectful of the relatives home. A card, plant, or small gift left behind after your stay is a nice way to say thanks and costs very little. One family stayed with a relative, helped them paint their fence the next morning, and then traveled on to the next destination. The kids remembered the fence painting as the biggest highlight of the trip. Go figure!

Be creative. Go camping instead of staying at a fancy motel. Buy groceries items to eat for breakfast and lunch and save your money for dinners out. Give the children a specific amount of money at the beginning of the trip and inform them that this is their allotted spending money and there will be no more. Let them spend it on anything they want but don’t give them more when it is gone. Of course, buy their meals. Their money should be budgeting on candy, toys, or novelty items they will want on the vacation.

Tip #7: Model social skills … sometimes!

It is a proven fact that children do what we do and not just what we say. If you throw a tantrum about a flat tire on the highway, you have just taught your child to throw a tantrum when he is frustrated. Model the kind of behavior you desire from your children. Use that bad vacation to teach how to deal with adversity and setbacks. Failures teach much more than successes, and stay with us longer too.

Sometimes you need to let the littles things in life go. You don’t have to be on duty as the politeness police all the time. Let your children get away with a few things that you wouldn’t normally allow at home. My two girls love to go to camp by themselves every summer because there are no parents around to hound them. Turn the other check and listen with your deaf hear or just close your eyes. You and the children may enjoy the time more. Of course, fire-setting and car jacking is out! For more social skills, see http://parentingtoolbox.com/social.html

Tip #8: Nontraditional families may need nontraditional vacations.

If you are a nontraditional family, it goes without saying that you don’t have to follow the traditional family vacation schedules. Try looking at your vacation from a 180-degree angle. Turn it upside down or backwards. Do anything other than what you have always done, if what you have done has been extremely unpleasant. What am I talking about? Just this, break out of old, dysfunctional patterns of doing things and find new ways to enjoy your vacation.

For example, why take the whole family at one time? Can’t you take the girls on one vacation and the boys on a different one? Can’t the younger one’s do one thing and the older children another? Does the vacation have to be one, two, or three weeks in succession? Try breaking it up into smaller, more manageable (or tolerable) chunks of time. Do you have to go with the children at all? Do you have to leave the house or can you just stay home for a week? What works for one family will not always work for another. The important point is that nontraditional families find nontraditional vacations that work. Forget trying to live up to societies’ expectations about what is O.K. It is time to rewrite the family vacation script.

Having said all this… maybe I will go on vacation this year. With the kids. 

Jul 07

Do you know your child’s Love Language?

To love and be loved is the most basic of all human needs. People will go to extremes to get this need met. It forms the basis of the world’s religions. Society has capitalized on it commercially through the marketing of Hallmark cards, chocolate candy and diamond rings. Whatever its form or expression, getting the love you need and sharing it with others is a life-long process.

 One of the best books on the subject, for me, was the book “The Five Love Languages”by Dr. Gary Chapman. In a very practical manner he listed the five love languages as:

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Receiving Gifts

3. Quality Time

4. Acts of Service

5. Physical Touch

 According to the author, every one seeks to get their love needs met through these five areas. Some of us have more dominant love needs through positive words of affirmation while others feel more love through the application of touch. Regardless of the specific dialects you might speak, all of us have one or more of these basic elements in our emotional vocabulary.  

 One of the easiest ways to determine someone’s love language is to observe how they express love. We tend to speak love to others in the way we want to be spoken to. This can result in frustration for people in close relationships who persist in expressing love in ways that met their own needs but don’t take into account the language of the other person. For example, my wife might like acts of service to fulfill her needs for love while I like to receive gifts. Bringing her candy and flowers for Valentines Day might be appreciated but it will not have the same impact as cooking her dinner and drawing a bath.

Take a moment to remember the last time someone did something for you that made you feel loved. How did that action fit into the five love languages? Was it a hug? An evening out? A gift? An act of service? A kind word?

Take another moment to analyze the love needs of those closest to you? How do they fit into these five love languages? It might be more than one. Have you spoken this language in a way that meets others needs?